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How Can I Be a Better Listener?

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How Can I Be a Better Listener?

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We are living in a busy and hectic world where the demands on our time and attention seem to be ever increasing.  Online communication has replaced a lot of face to face communication. Some of us are starting to feel a little out of practice when it comes to nurturing our interpersonal relationships.  One of the key aspects of face to face communication is about listening well. This brings up the question: How can I be a better listener?

To listen effectively, you need to listen with your entire mind. You are not listening if you are thinking about your experience, of how you might respond, counter, or argue what is being said, or judging and appraising the statements before the speaker is even finished.  But becoming a more effective listener isn’t only about what not to do.  Take the following list for example. For every DON’T there is a DO!

Do’s and Don’ts to Practice to Become a Better Listener

Get Curious

Don’t resist ideas, even if they are of no personal interest. Instead, get curious! Accept that the message is important even if it arrives in a form that you don’t like or comes from someone you don’t like. 

Give Your Full Attention

Don’t daydream or fake attention. Do give your full attention. Put your thoughts and judgments aside. You are only truly engaged in listening when your focus is on the speaker.

Dig Deep and Stay in the “Muck”

Don’t avoid difficult material. Instead, dig deep and stay in the “muck”. Recognize that conversations are not just for the transfer of information.

Resist and Reduce Distractions

Don’t tolerate or create distractions. Do resist and reduce distractions. Put your phone away, find a comfortable and quiet space, periodically summarize in your head, etc. 

Shift from Past to Present to Future

Don’t recreate negative past experiences. Instead, shift from past to present to future. You cannot move forward if you are stuck in the past.

Normalize Emotions

When feelings are brought out, don’t deflect and change topic or return to a safe topic. Do normalize emotions; say what you observe to go beyond the words, state your own emotions, check that you are understanding feelings correctly.

Keep Calm

Don’t let your emotions rule you. Use techniques to keep yourself calm like taking some deep breaths, taking a break, taking a walk, or sticking to observable facts.

Stay Open & Suspend Judgement

Don’t let bias or prejudice interfere. Stay open and encourage openness from the person you are communicating with. Suspend judgement. Check your assumptions. Seek to understand, even if you don’t like what you hear. Avoid a personal interpretation and listen to what the speaker is really saying. Verify that the message has been received in the way that the sender intended.

“Name it to Tame it”

Don’t fail to state or acknowledge your feelings. Instead, use the “name it to tame it” approach. Stating your emotions out loud can reduce their intensity and normalize emotions in a heated conversation.

Pay Attention to What is Not Being Said

Don’t fail to use non-verbal information. Do pay attention to what is not being said. Only 7% of our communication is verbal. Use welcoming and open body language, read the body language of the other. Show that you are interested and paying attention.

Practice Makes Perfect

DON’T worry, you don’t have to incorporate every single DO to be a better listener. By just incorporating one or two, you will already be a better listener.  No pressure, remember, the goal is to understand.

Downloadable Infographic

If you’d like to remember these tips, you can print them out as a full infographic from the files below.

Letter size (8.5×11) works, Legal size (8.5×14) is even better.

[Download PDF – Letter Size]

[Download PDF – Legal Size]

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The Importance of Conflict Management Skills in Business

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When you run a business, relationship and conflict management is just part of the job. Conflict will arise in any workplace, but how that conflict is handled can either build relationships or disintegrate them.Strong conflict management skills become crucial for business owners.

Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) practices are based on interest-based communications skills that can effectively diffuse workplace conflict and enhance workplace culture.

We spoke with Chuck Smith, an HR Professional with a distinguished 40-year career with 36 of those years being at Syncrude Canada Ltd. Chuck has retired and is an independent contractor in Edmonton. Chuck has worked hard to raise the influence of conflict management training and skills within the field of Human Resources.

He is the Past President of the ADR Institute of Alberta (ADRIA), and has served on the Board of Directors for both ADRIA and ADR Institute of Canada for most of the past decade. Chuck also influenced the formation of an ADR Certificate Program for HR Professionals in Alberta.

Through professional development training, Chuck realized the importance of conflict management skills. He saw a clear difference in how he could effectively approach and diffuse workplace conflict as an HR professional.

“During my ADR training I could understand how my approach and intervention with workplace conflict had many flaws. While good intentions and my natural communication skills that drew me to the HR field were always there, my ability to be effective in resolving disputes was lacking. I can honestly say, as a result of my ADR training the employees, management and my employer have been better served.”

His skills as an HR professional improved and he saw growth in key competencies.

“It took a while but with time, perseverance and practice I have become very comfortable using what I learned in my ADR training. Some of the more helpful competencies include asking probing questions at the appropriate time, paraphrasing, reflecting feelings, empathizing appropriately, reframing and listening to understand. All are critical competencies in HR.”

When conflict arises, Chuck has a fresh perspective on how to approach the situation.

“My first priority is to seek to understand before being understood. Helping others feel heard has opened many difficult relationships and allowed for increasing my effectiveness at resolving workplace disputes for others as well as my own.”

Not only did Chuck see the change he could create in resolving interpersonal conflict, but he also realized how the bigger picture of how his organization manages conflict could change.

“While the company I worked for recognized the value in using ADR to resolve disputes, the company policy did not contain clear instruction on the use of ADR. This is a huge area of opportunity for organizations to significantly improve their ability to have a respectful, attractive workplace.”

When reflecting on the training he received, Chuck observed that it not only made him better at his job as an HR professional, but impacted all of his relationships.

“My ADR training helped me improve my communication skills. I am better able to clearly understand others interests and ensure I am heard and they understand my interest. This has gone a long way to improve my effectiveness at resolving differences at work and at home.”

Conflict management training can round out the skill set of business administrators and add to more harmonious workplaces and personal lives.

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Finding Happiness – Or at Least Moments of Joy!

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Enjoy this recording from our December 16, 2020 ADR Luncheon Webinar

In these unprecedented times when nothing is as it once was, it may be hard to remember what happiness feels like.

Our brains are wired to contemplate the worst-case scenarios and watching the news or Covid-19 update can reinforce this impending sense of doom.

We can learn ways to mourn what was and cannot be again, and find a path to a different kind of happy. It can be hard to find joy, to notice what makes us feel good and grounded and safe. 

Check out the recording below from our latest luncheon to help find some moments of light amid the darkness.

Presenter: Tara Livingston

Tara Livingston is a professional mediator, relationship coach and enthusiastic public speaker. A retired Anglican Priest, she earned her master’s degree in divinity from Trinity College at the University of Toronto with a focus on pastoral counseling, grief care and inter-faith dialogue. In addition to divorce mediation, she offers marriage preparation classes for couples about to embark on a new life journey. Tara is committed to guiding couples and families toward maintaining healthy relationships at their beginning, middle and end. As a parent of two resilient young men, she has a special passion for helping children to thrive during and after challenging times. 

As a presenter, Tara uses stories from her considerable professional and personal experience and legendary humour to inspire audiences of all kinds.

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Got Conflict? How to Address Disputes in your Non-Profit Organization

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The ADR Institute of Alberta (ADRIA) receives many calls and referrals from the public in regard to Societies, Non-profits, and Charities that are experiencing conflict. Whenever both sides of a conflict are obligated or willing to come together and discuss their issues, ADRIA is often in a position to assist.

ADRIA’s online Directory, or any of our referral processes, connects people in conflict to an ADR professional who can offer mediation, arbitration, or other dispute resolution processes. ADRIA members can also help organizations with new bylaws or mechanisms to prevent and resolve future conflict.

Unfortunately, many organizations do not have robust conflict management options incorporated into their existing bylaws, and the provincial government does not offer any enforcement resources. Article 9 of the Societies Act does not specify a requirement to include bylaws regarding dispute resolution, although article 22 suggest a provision for arbitration.  Alberta’s Corporate Registry states on its website that “Societies must be prepared to resolve their own internal disputes”, and that it “does not supervise the conduct of societies, nor does it provide a counselling service”. In regard to internal disputes, “Corporate Registry recommends the adoption of a bylaw that outlines a mediation or arbitration procedure.” For this reason, calls to Service Alberta and Central Registry are usually referred to ADRIA or other community mediation resources.

Too often ADRIA is contacted by only one party or concerned member, and there is no opportunity to include the second party in any form of dispute resolution. ADRIA is not mandated or authorized to contact a second party, unless there are bylaw provisions that mandate mediation or arbitration. 

To facilitate more effective dispute resolution processes, a clause can be added to the society bylaws. For example, a clause might read:

X.1 Any dispute regarding the affairs of (the society) will be resolved by: 

a. Direct negotiation between the parties, with or without assistance and/or facilitation. If resolution is not achieved, then by:

b. Mediation conducted pursuant to ADR Canada’s Code of Conduct for Mediators, or to mediation practices agreed upon by the parties. If resolution is not achieved, then by:

c. Arbitration conducted pursuant to the Arbitration Act of Alberta, or to arbitration practices agreed upon by the parties, and the decision will bind all parties.

X.2 The language of any dispute resolution process shall be (English).

X.3 Dispute Resolution resources, including referrals for mediation and arbitration, may be available from the ADR Institute of Alberta (ADRIA) at www.adralberta.com or 780-433-4881.  

Many parties contacting ADRIA are not even able to secure a copy of the bylaws or contact the current officers of the society. Confirmation that a society remains in good standing, their bylaws, current officers, and annual reports are all available at any authorized Registry office in Alberta for a small fee. Reviewing these is often a good first step in resolving any conflict, particularly if the bylaws include any provision for dispute resolution. Obviously if any criminal activity is suspected, notably theft or fraud, then local police services should be contacted without delay.

Other Resources for Resolving Conflict in Non-Profits

Alberta’s Ministry of Culture & Tourism provides significant Board and Community Development resources, although they do not provide counselling or dispute resolution services . ADRIA is working closely with Service Alberta, Alberta Culture and Community Mediation groups to enhance the on-line and in-person resources that these organizations provide to the public.  
Some areas of the province have community mediation programs that can reach out and offer assistance to both parties, and these resources are often provided to not-for-profit groups free of charge.

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Truth & Reconciliation Work in Canada

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Truth & Reconciliation Work in Canada

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As you may remember, our June Luncheon featured Ry Moran, founding Director of the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation in Winnipeg

On November 25, 2020, the Canadian Club of Edmonton hosted Ry Moran, now inaugural Associate University Librarian (Reconciliation) at the University of Victoria for an engaging and informative presentation on the work of Truth & Reconciliation broadly underway across the country.

Watch the recording below to learn from Ry as he shares his extensive first-hand experience on the transformative steps underway in Canada, including how to confront and act upon some of the most troubling elements of our collective history together.

Ry Moran is Canada’s inaugural Associate University Librarian (Reconciliation) at the University of Victoria. Ry’s role within UVic Libraries’ focuses on building and sustaining relationships to introduce Indigenous approaches and knowledge into the daily work of the Libraries and more broadly across the campus community. In so doing, Ry plays an active role in advancing UVic’s strategic goal of being a globally recognized leader in areas of reconciliation.

Ry came to this position from the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation (NCTR) hosted by the University of Manitoba. As the founding director, Ry guided the creation of the NCTR from its inception. Along the way, Ry contributed to major national initiatives such as the creation of the National Student Memorial Register, designation of multiple residential schools as national historical sites, development and launch of the Indigenous Peoples Atlas of Canada, and a major educational broadcast which reached over three million Canadians.

Prior to the NCTR, Ry served with the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC). On the TRC’s behalf, he facilitated the gathering of nearly 7,000 video/audio-recorded statements of former residential school students and millions of pages archival records.

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The Important Work of the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation

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The Important Work of the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation

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National Indigenous Peoples Day is a day for all Canadians to recognize and celebrate the unique heritage, diverse cultures and outstanding contributions of First Nations, Inuit and Métis peoples. The Canadian Constitution recognizes these three groups as Aboriginal peoples, also known as Indigenous peoples.

In honour of National Indigenous Peoples Day, take part in one of the many events happening online, check out some reading lists or visit a museum virtually!

You can also watch the recording of our June 2020 ADR Luncheon Webinar linked below.

Watch Ry Moran, Director of the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation discuss the important work of this organization.

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