Rayan Abassi

In honour of Pride Month in June, our post today looks at personal pronouns and how to use them respectfully.

Asking and correctly using someone’s pronouns is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their gender identity. This serves to create an inclusive environment where you demonstrate that you care for and respect them.

When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, dysphoric or, often all of the above.

When we are communicating with others, especially in conflict situations or as ADR professionals, it’s important that we use the correct pronouns to approach the situation with respect. It creates a safe space for all individuals to have a conversation.

What are Personal Pronouns?

We use pronouns to refer to people in place of their name or in third person – to refer to that person while talking to someone else.

Everyone has pronouns they use. The use of pronouns is not just exclusive to transgender, nonbinary, gender-non-conforming or intersex people. She/her/hers and he/him/his are a few commonly used pronouns. There are also lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use. 

Here are a few you might hear:

They is a fairly popular pronoun. The singular use of they is not a new thing – according to Oxford dictionary, it’s use as a singular pronoun emerged by the 14th century. We use this very commonly in sentences such as, “Somebody left their book on my desk.” We continue to use the singular they in the move toward gender-neutral language.

Some people do not use pronouns at all, using their name as a pronoun instead.

Avoid using the word “preferred” in front of pronouns because it insinuates that the pronouns are optional. Instead, just say “my pronouns are” or “their pronouns are”.

Keep in mind that some people may use more than one set of pronouns to refer to themselves (e.g., ‘she/her’ and ‘they/them’). In these instances, you can use either set when referring to this person. 

What If I Don’t Know What Pronouns Someone Uses?

We should never assume someone’s pronouns. While the majority of people may use ‘she/her’ or ‘he/him,’ we cannot always tell by looking at someone. Pronouns commonly have a gendered association, however, anyone of any gender can use any pronouns that fit for them.   

If you don’t know what pronouns someone uses: 

1.     Ask them. See below for some tips on how to ask.

2.     Use “they” or their name until you have the opportunity to ask about their pronouns. 

How Do I Ask Which Pronouns to Use? 

The easiest way to ask someone about their pronouns is to share your own. Get used to starting introductions by including your pronouns:

“Hello, my name is Kristy and I go by ‘she, her, hers’ pronouns.”

This signals to the other person that you are familiar with the concept of pronouns and creates an opening to ask for their pronouns. You are also increasing the normalcy of sharing of pronouns in public interactions. 

Whether it’s someone you are meeting for the first time or it’s someone you’ve known for a while, you can ask them directly which pronouns they use or how they would like you to refer to them. 

What Do You Do When You Make a Mistake? 

We all make mistakes from time to time – my own mother will call me by her dog’s name!

The important thing is how you react when you make a mistake.

When you make a mistake:

If you catch your mistake right away, it’s best to apologize and correct yourself by saying something like, “I’m sorry, I meant (insert pronoun).” and move on in the conversation.

If you realize your mistake later, apologize to the person in private and move on.

If someone corrects you, you can apologize, say thank you for the correction, correct yourself and then move the conversation along.

When apologizing, please don’t go on and on about how bad you feel or how hard it is to use pronouns, what your intentions were or make any excuses. We want to keep from centering ourselves in that moment and not make it more embarrassing for the person who was misgendered. A simple apology is best.

When others make a mistake:

Before correcting the individual who made the mistake, consider whether the person who has been misgendered has shared about their pronouns in all areas of their life. Some people may only use certain pronouns in various aspects of their lives (e.g., using ‘they/them’ at work but ‘he/him’ at home) or they may make this choice for personal safety. If you don’t know, it’s always better to ask first and put their safety as the priority.

If you catch someone else using the incorrect pronouns for someone else who is aware of their pronouns, it is appropriate to gently correct them without further embarrassing the person who has been misgendered. 

You can repeat back to them with a response that corrects the pronoun. 

Example: Someone says, “Oh she’s a great friend.” Your response can be, “You’re right, they are a great friend.”

If the person may not be aware of the correct pronoun, your response can be, 

“You’re right, they are a great friend. Also, just so you know, Kristy uses ‘they/them/theirs’ pronouns.”  

Be gentle in your correction, assume the person did not know, and move on in the conversation. Of course, if someone is purposely using the wrong pronoun for another person, your approach will be different. 

Keep Practicing, Keep Open to Feedback, Keep Learning

The most important thing is that we try our best and be open to correction. Sometimes, it just takes some practice to get used to using different pronouns. You can try that in the mirror or with a friend or family member to get used to it. You can also keep learning more about pronouns through the resources on MyPronouns.org.

How to Use Pronouns RespectfullyRead More

In honour of Father’s Day, today’s blog post will look at difficult conversations and how to have them with your teen.

Difficult conversations are those during which needs, wants, opinions or perceptions of those involved may be diverse and emotions often run high. These types of conversations can lead to conflict and escalation if not handled well. Teens and parents can be confronted with many difficult conversations on topics such as sex, bullying, drug and alcohol, dating, peer pressure and many others. Even less consequential issues, such as homework, chores or screen time, can provide important opportunities for parents and teens to engage in difficult conversations with positive outcomes. If approached from an open and honest perspective, such conversations can be a source of relationship and trust building, while also keeping lines of communication open.

The Set Up

Think about your own feelings on the topic and what message you would like to convey

What are your non-negotiables? What can you be flexible about?

Is there anything about this topic that you find triggering?

Timing

Think about the time of day or week that your child may be more likely to be open to a conversation. For example, if your teen often sleeps in on the weekend, an 8:00am talk may not be the best option. Try to have a dedicated time to talk, rather than last minute or during another activity and if possible, try to anticipate and talk with your teen before it has escalated into a conflict.

Find the Right Environment

When having difficult conversations, you will want to make sure you pick a private location, hopefully without other family members or friends present. It is also useful to think about how and where does your teen feel comfortable communicating. In the car? During a walk?

During the Conversation

Address the Awkward

Acknowledge that this may be a difficult or awkward conversation.

Start with a Positive

If there is anything within the topic that your teen does well, or that you appreciate, it is good to start off on a positive note.

Listen First

As much as possible, prioritize listening to your teen to get an idea of what they think about the topic and where your viewpoint may align.

Ask Questions

Use open questions to encourage discussion and exploration. Closed questions tend to elicit a yes or no response. Use closed questions only when confirming understanding, to avoid shutting down the conversation.

Example:

Closed: Are you upset about ‘x’?

Open: How do you feel about ‘x’?

Try to avoid questions that start with ‘why’. Why can be interpreted as accusatory.

Example:

Why did you take the car without asking?

Could you tell me what you were thinking about when you took out the car without letting me know?

Validate Feelings

Acknowledge and validate the feelings of your teen. This can help to make them feel like they are being seen and heard.

Be Collaborative Where Possible

Where possible, collaborate with your teen on how to solve the problem. Respect that your teen has their own viewpoint and understanding of situations hat may be different from your own. Be sure to ask what they think and if they have any suggestions on how you can solve the problem together. Often times, any decisions that you reach collaboratively will be more likely to be lasting.

Concluding the Conversation

Summarize anything you’ve agreed to

Make sure as you complete your conversation that you’re moving forward on the same page. If there is anything still not clear, go back and discuss.

Thank your teen for talking with you, acknowledge their effort

Celebrate!

After you’ve done the hard work, celebrate with your teen by doing or planning something you both enjoy – perhaps pizza or a movie night.

Having Difficult Conversations with your TeenRead More

June is Indigenous History Month in Canada.

Recent news has reminded us of the importance of holding space for Indigenous voices, having hard conversations, supporting Indigenous organizations and recommitting ourselves to learning. Indigenous History Month was declared in 2009, and although the word history may suggest that we are simply revisiting the past, we must also take the time to consider the many ways in which the past shapes our present and continues to influence the future.

As leaders in the dispute resolution field, ADRIA values and draws strength from our diversity. Racism and discrimination are undeniably a part of our collective history in Canada and we seek to listen and learn in order to ensure racism and other forms of discrimination have no place in our future. For more on our commitment to diversity, please read our page on Diversity Matters.

Throughout June and the year ahead, we encourage all of our members and the public to listen, learn, support and engage in Indigenous topics.

Below are some featured resources – what are some of your favourite resource and organizations? Let us know!

Learn & Educate Yourself

Attend our free webinar featuring Dr. Shalene Jobin on June 8 – Indigenous Peoples, An Alberta Primer

Watch the ADRIC recordings on Diversity in ADR, including:

• Listening Circle: What is Diversity, Inclusion and Truth and Reconciliation 
• Allyship: Authentic vs Performative
• Voice and Choice: Power, Privilege and Reconciliation – Understanding and Recognizing in Ourselves and Our Clients
• The Value of Inclusion in ADR:  Learning from Non-Mainstream Practitioners
• Changing Systemic Biases and Discriminatory Practices in Organizations
• A Trauma-Informed Approach to Managing ADR
• Sharing Circle: Moving our Practices and Organizations Forward, and Advancing the Process of Truth and Reconciliation

Members of the public can learn about how to support people experiencing trauma through an Indigenous produced resource.

Take the free Indigenous Canada Course at the University of Alberta.

Join the Kairos Canada National Indigenous History Month Events

• Tuesday, June 15 (7-9pm ET) – Metis Teachings
• Monday, June 21 (7-9pm ET) – We are All Treaty People
• Tuesday, June 29 (7-9pm ET) – Social Injustice in the Courts

View the recording of our Indigenous History Month webinar from 2020 featuring Ry Moran speaking about the important work of the National Centre for Truth and Reconciliation or his subsequent presentation about Truth & Reconciliation work in Canada.

Take part in some free virtual events from the Canadian Club including:

• A New Type of Capitalism with Guy Cormier (Desjardins Group), Kayla Isabelle (StartUp Canada) and Jenn Harper (Cheekbone Beauty Cosmetics), moderated by David Skok (The Logic)
• Dany Assaf – Author, Say Please And Thank You & Stand In Line: One Man’s Story Of What Makes Canada Special, And How To Keep it that Way

Listen to Indigenous Stories

One Story, One Song by Richard Wagamese

Ragged Company by Richard Wagamese

From the Ashes by Jesse Thistle

Stories from the Land Podcast

Check out the various Indigenous Collections available through the Alberta Library System.

Find stories and activity downloads from Indigenous communities across Canada.

Read a professional development resource called Mark of the Métis: Traditional Knowledge and Stories of the Métis Peoples of Northeastern Alberta

Support Indigenous Communities

Support Indigenous led community organizations such as the Alberta Native Friendship Centres, Native Counselling Services of Alberta, and the Métis Nation of Alberta.

Take part in Indigenous-led experiences through Indigenous Tourism Alberta.

Donate through a registered charity like Reconciliation Canada or Indian Residential School Survivors Society

Share and seek support through the Indian Residential School Crisis Line (24-hour, national crisis line) created to provide support for former students and others affected by the recent news: 1-866-925-4419

Engage & Continue the Conversation Year Round

Have conversations with your friends, family and colleagues about residential schools and other parts of Indigenous history. Keep the conversation going throughout the year – not just during the month of June. Celebrate the heritage, diversity and achievements of First Nations, Inuit and Métis!

Listen, Learn, Support & Engage: Indigenous History MonthRead More

We are living in a busy and hectic world where the demands on our time and attention seem to be ever increasing.  Online communication has replaced a lot of face to face communication. Some of us are starting to feel a little out of practice when it comes to nurturing our interpersonal relationships.  One of the key aspects of face to face communication is about listening well. This brings up the question: How can I be a better listener?

To listen effectively, you need to listen with your entire mind. You are not listening if you are thinking about your experience, of how you might respond, counter, or argue what is being said, or judging and appraising the statements before the speaker is even finished.  But becoming a more effective listener isn’t only about what not to do.  Take the following list for example. For every DON’T there is a DO!

Do’s and Don’ts to Practice to Become a Better Listener

Get Curious

Don’t resist ideas, even if they are of no personal interest. Instead, get curious! Accept that the message is important even if it arrives in a form that you don’t like or comes from someone you don’t like. 

Give Your Full Attention

Don’t daydream or fake attention. Do give your full attention. Put your thoughts and judgments aside. You are only truly engaged in listening when your focus is on the speaker.

Dig Deep and Stay in the “Muck”

Don’t avoid difficult material. Instead, dig deep and stay in the “muck”. Recognize that conversations are not just for the transfer of information.

Resist and Reduce Distractions

Don’t tolerate or create distractions. Do resist and reduce distractions. Put your phone away, find a comfortable and quiet space, periodically summarize in your head, etc. 

Shift from Past to Present to Future

Don’t recreate negative past experiences. Instead, shift from past to present to future. You cannot move forward if you are stuck in the past.

Normalize Emotions

When feelings are brought out, don’t deflect and change topic or return to a safe topic. Do normalize emotions; say what you observe to go beyond the words, state your own emotions, check that you are understanding feelings correctly.

Keep Calm

Don’t let your emotions rule you. Use techniques to keep yourself calm like taking some deep breaths, taking a break, taking a walk, or sticking to observable facts.

Stay Open & Suspend Judgement

Don’t let bias or prejudice interfere. Stay open and encourage openness from the person you are communicating with. Suspend judgement. Check your assumptions. Seek to understand, even if you don’t like what you hear. Avoid a personal interpretation and listen to what the speaker is really saying. Verify that the message has been received in the way that the sender intended.

“Name it to Tame it”

Don’t fail to state or acknowledge your feelings. Instead, use the “name it to tame it” approach. Stating your emotions out loud can reduce their intensity and normalize emotions in a heated conversation.

Pay Attention to What is Not Being Said

Don’t fail to use non-verbal information. Do pay attention to what is not being said. Only 7% of our communication is verbal. Use welcoming and open body language, read the body language of the other. Show that you are interested and paying attention.

Practice Makes Perfect

DON’T worry, you don’t have to incorporate every single DO to be a better listener. By just incorporating one or two, you will already be a better listener.  No pressure, remember, the goal is to understand.

Downloadable Infographic

If you’d like to remember these tips, you can print them out as a full infographic from the files below.

Letter size (8.5×11) works, Legal size (8.5×14) is even better.

[Download PDF – Letter Size]

[Download PDF – Legal Size]

How Can I Be a Better Listener?Read More